scared is the running emotion

actually, feeling quite angry right now. yes, cos of my parents and their feeble attempts to help me. I suddenly realised that the choosing of schools is not really i choose one. its their choice for me. i dont really get much of a say, or if i say it will get rebutted down. so might as well not say. now its the same thing again. i dont wanna do it, i mean what for? no use! and then they force me to do all these crap stuff. i havent even packed for concert. wheres my collar pin? how to bring the shirt? where do i go? all the attempts are really redundent. thats what i feel. you spend soooo much effort, and in the end its a failure. yea, you tried, better than nothing. but dont you realise that there was no hope. zero. abosolute nothing. in the begining? try for what? its just a waste of time and effort. might as well use it for something more useful.

sometimes, i really really wonder if my friends have the same problem as me. it seems like only i have it.

Enough of the negative thoughts. on to concert. its tonight! my last concert playing with the main band. officially. freely. next year the feeling will be different and also, the perspective. i should cherish this perspective and hurry up move on. dont wanna stay there lingering, loitering for too long. though i kinda wanna. really miss my section. miss the old section, the new one, and the one in between. i know. i know this feeling will fade. and my feeling for band will fade. so i better cherish this particular feeling now, for it may never come again.

organisation... begin!

16th -- ny concert
17th -- hc concert
18th -- church gift exchange
19th -- 207 chalet
20th -- possible chalet with parent's friends
22nd -- rochelle christmas party

2nd -- pool day with ug

i have a feeling theres still more. cannot remember. i should go back to sleep cos today's gonna be a long day. so is tmr. and tmr. and tmr. laddida. my life is great. (full of scarsm) it is great! (now with no scarscm). er. wadever. just hope that the concert will be a success. it will be. and that my jnrs all play their solos really really well and charm the crowd. and that theres no screw ups, were all in tune, no mispitches wadsoever. great. and the audiences will rofl cos of the emcee.

im still angry. in a few hours i will see where im going next yr. it dosent really matter to me though. but it matter a lot to them. mr leng said "expectations". exactly.

yesterday was goddannar's last esp for secondseason. That hilarious and dramatic anime has ended. lol, still remember the times when a cellphone rings, a woman's boobs starts vibrating. then she reaches in between her excessively outrageously large breasts and pulls out a handphone. LOL... so funny! ah, but its a great anime after all. rumbling hearts is good as well. so much conflicting emotions. feels a bit like scrapped princess, the characters are soooo deep, and the conflicts so confusng. next week is hellsing! gothic. suddenly my interest in cosplay drastically increased after looking at cosplay pictures. the costumes are sooooo real and so intricately designed. i wanna cosplay too!